Jun 19 2008
“They’re going to do it anyway…”
There was an interesting, albeit depressing, conversation over lunch.
An involved, caring mother says that if her son wants to have sex, she and her husband are going to make sure he is “safe”. In other words, they’re going to make sure he has condoms. He’s not even 16, the legal age of consent.
Since her husband Mr. Safety scoffs at ”religious ideals” (aka sexual morality), I did the only thing I could do. I asked Mrs. Safety if they had mentioned their decision regarding condoms to the parents of the boy’s friends, especially his female friends. She seemed a bit flabbergasted, so I remarked that the oldest of the three girls he hangs out with isn’t even 14.
“He’s not going to sleep with a 13-year-old!” she said.
“Why not?’ I asked. “She has a crush on him and he likes her.” I didn’t mention that one 12-year-old girl could pass as a high school student. I think I’d given her food for thought; no need to choke her by feeding her too fast. 
I’ve never understood the mentality of “They’re gonna do it anyway.” Having been a teenager once and teaching teenagers now, I have been privvy to many a teen’s conversation. When a kid says ”My mom/dad/grandparent can’t stop me from XYZ”, it’s either an empty brag OR a sign that the adults have more problems than caring what the kid does. Mostly kids know their boundaries because their parents clearly mark them.
”My dad says I can’t get a tattoo until I get a job and pay for it myself,” says one.
“My aunt told me that the Social Security check is MY money,” says another, “but my mom said she decides what to do with it because she knew what Dad would have wanted.”
I’ve noticed that when it comes to money, parents have all sorts of ways to put their feet down. For example, people used to say that the best way to prevent drunken driving was to serve their kids alcohol at home. If their friends wanted a drink, they had to stay overnight. But now people no longer serve minors at their children’s graduation parties.
Why? Legal repercussions. A kid has a drink at their house and then goes elsewhere, gets hammered, and ends up dead behind the wheel. The liability is going to land on the doorstep of EVERYONE who served the kid.
But people take a different tact when one of the criteria is their kids’ bodies. “It’s his body; it’s his choice” seems to be the guiding principal.
But it’s malarky. If that were the crux of the matter – whose body – then adults wouldn’t waste so much time keeping their kids from alcohol and drugs. What about suicide prevention? I mean, some kids suffer from depression and continue to do so into their adult lives. If they want to committ suicide, they’re going to find a way. The best thing we adults can do is make sure they know the best way to kill themselves, so they don’t botch it or leave a messy corpse. Right?
No, it’s not just proprietary rights to a body. It’s about safety. The Modern Golden Rule is “People have a right to do what they want, as long as they don’t impinge on anyone else’s rights.” In some cases, “hurt” is used instead of “impinge”.
In either case, I tend to laugh at that. Even the best of teenagers seldom have an idea how their behaviour affects their future, let alone other people. I know that I never thought much about it until I had my ears pierced. My mom was against it, but said I could do it when I turned 16. (I forgot about it, but she reminded me after my birthday.)
Mom was completely flabbergasted when she had to sign a waiver because I wasn’t 18. ”If you wanted to have an abortion,” she said, “I wouldn’t even be consulted. But if you pass out and hit your head while getting your ears pierced, I have to take agree to pay your medical bills.”
That got me to thinking (and I’ve rarely stopped since). If I’d gotten a raging ear infection, my my parents would have been expected to foot my ambulance and hospital bill. Even without a waiver, my parents would have been stuck with the bills if I had an abortion and started hemorrhaging. If I’d done any number of stupid things in my teen years – and beyond – my family would have given me long-term care or a funeral. (Or both.) They’ve have shouldered the burden of my consequences, because that’s what families do.
Mr. And Mrs. Safety believe that giving their son condoms will help him (and them) live consequence-free. Seemingly they hadn’t given a thought to the fact that other parents don’t want their daughters to be used as a training ground for their son. Nor have they considered whether his best buddies are ready for sexual peer pressure. (One of them definitely is NOT. He’s more interested in bikes and blowing up things with firecrackers than in girls.)
I didn’t say any of this to Mrs. Safety. I didn’t have to. One of the other ladies at the luncheon commented that even if kids are “going to do it anyway” – whatever IT is – they should have to work hard to do it and with the full understanding that they’re doing it despite their parents’ disapproval and better judgement.
“That’s the whole point of being a rebellious teenager,” she said. “You’ve got to look back and realize how wise your parents were.”
“He’s not going to sleep with a 13-year-old!”
And your basis for saying that, Mom, would be…that you as a 40-year-old know that that would be a really bad idea?
Right then. I’ll start making a list of 15-year-olds with the maturity of 40-year-olds, and those can be the exception to consent laws.
…umm….
Kasia, I think you’re right. Her attitude seems to be “We’ve raised my son; now it’s his turn to make decisions.”
There was a woman at Wayne State University, a fellow student in Philosophy of Education, who disagreed with the idea that school-aged students should still be taught by their parents. She said, “When my child goes to school, I’m done teaching her.”
It floored everyone, even the instructor. One of the guys managed to ask if she thought her daughter was done learning from her parents at age 4. The woman made it pretty clear that teaching other people’s children was worthwhile because of the monetary compensation, but teaching her own daughter wasn’t.
I don’t know if she became a teacher, but I hope she changed her mind about her daughter.
Wow. People like that fellow student of yours are a big part of the reason people homeschool.