Mar 09 2008
The Saints that Never Were
“Perhaps the saddest figure of all is Judas. We forget that Judas was one of the apostles. (…) But Judas remained his own worst enemy even to the end, walking past the place of the crucifixion to hang himself. He had to walk near Calvary, since the whole area is not very large. Having destroyed his reputation, the whole engagement of his life, he could have turned around and gone to Calvary and knelt at the foot of the Cross and asked for forgiveness. (…) His conversion is the page that is not written, because Judas destroyed himself - out of self-hatred, out of resentment, out of hopelessness.” - Arise from Darkness by Fr. Benedict J. Groeschel, C.F.R.
In the past few weeks, I’ve been brooding over some of my students. I’m not sure if they’ve been particularly bad lately or I’ve been particularly impatient at their usual querulous and lazy ways. Sometimes I wonder how I can make their lives better and put some fire in them for learning; other times, I wonder if I could set them on fire for NOT learning. (”J-k,” as the kids say.)
Maybe it’s because it’s Lent, but sometimes I feel ashamed that I’m Catholic. Not in the “I’ll be embarrassed if my peers find out I’m one of THOSE people” way. More along the lines of, “I’m really poor example of Catholicism.” I am impatient and have a quick temper. I fall asleep when I pray. My mind frequently wanders away at Mass (nevermore to return). I’m not sure what my purpose in life is; I’ve got the “know” and “love” parts down, but not that pesky “serve God”.
But then - perhaps because it’s Lent and Lent does this to me - I think about Judas. I also think about that young man mentioned in the gospel of Mark, the one who was a follower of Jesus when He was arrested. The crowd grabbed him by his clothes, but he tore free from them, running away naked as Adam.
How many times do I walk away from my Lord Jesus? How many times, when pressed by students do I shake free from the command to love because it’s just too difficult to be patient or too easy to be angry? I worry that I stand in my own way and, like the might-have-been-saints, don’t serve God as I should.
